So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
