so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
