I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize