On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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