I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
