Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
