I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
