I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
we're making bets on your personal life
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
