i already hear my dad disowning me
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
