I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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