I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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