so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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