I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
