Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
God, I missed his penis.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
