I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
