The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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