I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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