I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
