He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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