ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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