I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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