So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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