I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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