The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
