i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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