Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
