please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
