I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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