i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
