listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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