The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize