sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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