currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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