My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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