So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
