Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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