OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
