My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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