My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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