zippers are such a cool invention
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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