He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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