Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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