drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
