dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
