i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
