does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
