mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
