youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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