I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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