I am spending my child support on dildos
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize