I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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