I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
