This dress was meant to end up on your floor
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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