Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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