idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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