Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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