Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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