we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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