After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
