I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
