I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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